I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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