Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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