he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
