Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm having to shit out rocks
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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