if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I believe in your delicious
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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