my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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