I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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