i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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