They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i think i have two assholes
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
