"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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