Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
