if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
