I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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