I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
