Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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