Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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