I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
