that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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