My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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