My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
