I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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