How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
