dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
