His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
