I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
