he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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