HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
