Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
