I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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