Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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