Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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