Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
