he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
