i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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