we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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