i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Drake has all the answers
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
