wat bout pragnant strippers??
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
