It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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