I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
