1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
