When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
tell me about the eggs
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
