i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
