I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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