the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
