What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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