Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
