Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
