Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
