you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
