This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
