Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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