i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
