he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
