11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
